Premarital sex, and why the fire department has to come to the rescue

A young man, remaining anonymous, asked:

If a person is committed to another person, and they have sex with them before marriage, why is that considered a bad thing? 
Furthermore, if they stay with them for the rest of their life but never officially marry (but is still very much so committed to the relationship), 
is it still considered bad to have sex? 

Brief Answer:

Something being good or bad can only be determined if there is a standard beyond all human opinion, and whatever produces this standard must be in the position of authority to know and enforce this standard on everyone. We have such a standard set by God.

• Genesis 2:24, 1 Corinthians 7:2 — God’s original design for marriage and sexual union.
• Hebrews 13:4 — Marriage bed honored; sexual immorality judged.
• 1 Corinthians 6:18–20 — Flee sexual immorality.
• 1 Thessalonians 4:3–5 — God’s will is sexual purity.
• Matthew 19:4–6 — Jesus reaffirms Genesis as God’s enduring design.

This is where trust or faith comes into play. Can you trust God knows more and better than yourself, or anyone else. He is the Creator and demonstrated he has the purpose, plan, and knowledge beyond any person (as shown throughout the science sections of the website).

God is not some universal killjoy, he designed us to be sexual, but we have to remember the designer knows how best to use the design. And we can verify this as studies indicate there are spiritual, physical, social, and psychological reasons supporting keeping sex in the right place.

The free love thinking of Woodstock abuses you. Love is not free, this is known scientifically and through common sense. Love given freely brings a cost to the giver. If love is free it is not worth anything or valued.

Sex is a wonderful thing, but needs a place to hold it. Like fire, placing sex in other relationships and situations not built to contain this passion destructively burns. Only a covenant relationship can contain this level of intimacy and passion.

Detailed Answer:

A young girl and guy came up to a friend of mine and said that after they prayed together, they felt they had been given the go ahead from God to be able to have sex before marriage. They stated their commitment to each other and certainty of being married within a few years.

My friend said, “Why did you pray about it?” She responded by saying because they wanted an answer. He responded praying was a wasted effort because God already provided an answer for that question.

So, your better question is: Why is sex outside of marriage a bad thing?

Some reasons to consider

First, good and bad can only be determined if there is a standard beyond all human opinion, and with something in the position of authority to know and enforce this standard on everyone. We have such a standard set by God.

I trust God knows more and better than myself, or any supposed “expert.” He is the Creator and demonstrated He has the purpose, plan, and knowledge beyond any person (as shown in the presentations I do regarding science knowledge and predictions in the Bible). Therefore, we can be assured the overall effects of sex – if not contained in the proper place established by the Creator – then the overall consequences will be negative, every time.

Even if we think the experience was wonderful, and even if it did lead to marriage, God is not mocked. There are no worlds in which we can act directly against what God says, and when all is said and done, and we look back over our life and upcoming afterlife, we will say, “That was better for me to do that against God, it was worth it, and the right decision even with the negative consequences.”

This is where trust or faith comes in: Does God really love and want the best for us, and can we trust God, or not. The evidence for this is overwhelming, but when we are dealing with something as powerful as sex, then we may still seek further reasons.

While we may or may not know all the reasons why God made his prohibitions about keeping sex within marriage between a man and a woman, we can know some reasons from observation or studies. Here are things you can find in studies regarding sex before marriage.

1. There are potentially spiritual consequences.

Including lost potential for service for God here and after life (and corresponding benefits). The symbolism is important as it is a shadow of the commitment between the church and the Savior. There are likely other spiritual impacts upon the people involved.

2. Committed is not as committed as we think.

You would have to define “committed.” I am sure you know there are countless examples of people who thought with certainty they were committed, and were wrong. In fact, probably just about everyone, at multiple times in life, thought they were committed to someone or something, and were proven to be wrong.

• A recent national study found that marriages of couples who moved in together before engagement were 48% more likely to end than marriages of couples who waited until after engagement or marriage.[1] More couples are cohabitating though so the percentage will decrease, but only a little.

3. Cohabitation can create “relationship inertia”

Researchers observed the concept of relationship inertia. Living together often increases practical constraints—shared housing, finances, possessions, pets, or social expectations—making breaking up more difficult. As a result, some couples may continue toward marriage because separating has become harder rather than because their commitment has deepened.[2]

4. Living together is not necessarily an effective “test drive” for marriage.

Many people believe that cohabitation helps determine compatibility before marriage. However, research has not consistently supported that assumption. A large meta-analysis found that premarital cohabitation was associated with somewhat lower marital stability and marital quality overall.[3]

5. If you really want this person to be “the one,” then how many cohabiting couples marry?

Recent National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) data show that: About 40% of first premarital cohabitations transition to marriage within 3 years. Within 5 years, only about 22–32% marry, while many either continue cohabiting or break up. If you study to five years or more it drops to a seriously lower percentage, but let’s use the highest 40% value. And of those who marry maybe a third divorce in the early time periods studied. That yields: 0.40 × 0.69 ≈ 28%. So, roughly one-quarter to one-third of couples who begin living together ultimately marry each other and remain married (at least over the time periods studied).[4]

The strongest evidence suggests: Waiting until marriage is associated with greater marital stability. Therefore, if a reliable marriage is your top goal with the person, then cohabitation, and the corresponding sex before marriage is significantly harming your chances. There are psychological and social reasons for this.

6. The big “Why” questions

If you are committed to a life partner, but you or the partner refuses to marry, then there are huge “Why’s?” hanging over the relationship. Why fully indulge in another person, yet without the standard dedication (marriage covenant). Why pretend to fully give yourself to another person, yet hold back standard confirmation of commitment? If you feel you are too young to marry, why do you think you are mature enough for sex? If marriage is too expensive, why don’t you elope?

7. Psychological issues

• My friend still obsesses about girl from past, who was an early, premarital experience. Hormones are going crazy then, and although this person was an awful partner in a number of ways, we tend to focus on the good aspects of the past. Thereby lifting this outsider to an unattainable level for any future spouse. This hurts his marriage and is unfair to his partner more than we can probably imagine. Now he has to fight a continually battle against unrealistic expectations.
• Your stock drops significantly. I was teased in a crowd of my peers in high school for being a steadfast virgin, by someone who already had multiple sex partners. My response was to admit my lack of experience will continue, but I said with every year my stock value rises seriously in the eyes of a future spouse compared to my accuser.

You cannot put a price on marrying someone who was dedicated enough to save their virginity for their spouse. There is something special about pioneers coming upon virgin territory, and something less knowing you are not the only ones to see and explore the territory. I’m sure you get the innuendos. As gorgeous as Central Park was the first time I stepped upon the grass, I couldn’t help but wonder how many millions of people had walked upon this same spot. It just was not the same as rare backwoods in Michigan. If Central Park was allowed to go wild for years, and no one could enter, then it can recover the specialness. Even more so with people, but partners are fragile, and minds tend to wander about not being your only “soulmate.”

Think about it, would you rather marry someone who will explore and develop their sexual experience with only you, or someone who explored and developed with multiple sexual partners, who they felt committed to, or not, and who would be comparing your body, performance, etc., to the images and positive spin we put on past events?

• There is always the question of: Why does my partner not want to commit? This can be brutal, as there is always the potential of an easy escape with another person.
• Cohabitation, although becoming more common, is not what God intends, and that brings stress as well.
• The relationship inertia mentioned above is real, and if it is occurring in a relationship, then you may continue in a relationship you shouldn’t, or your partner may, which creates a horrible environment.
• There are markers in the animal world programming for monogamy or polygamy. Rats are programed for polygamy, while humans have the most markers above any for strong monogamy and going against biological programming will cause problems.

Sexual intimacy triggers neurochemical processes—including oxytocin, which is on levels for humans off the charts compared to other animals—that promote emotional bonding. This promotes “pair bonding” including: increasing feelings of closeness, enhancing trust, strengthening memory for emotionally significant social experiences, increasing attention to one’s romantic partner, reducing stress during positive interactions.

Importantly, oxytocin does not create love from nothing. Rather, it tends to strengthen existing social and emotional connections. Some researchers suggest that repeated sexual intimacy can reinforce emotional attachment through repeated activation of these neurobiological systems.

From a Christian perspective, this aligns well with the biblical picture that sexual intimacy is designed to deepen the unique “one flesh” relationship within marriage (Genesis 2:24). The neuroscience does not prove the biblical teaching, but it is consistent with the idea that sex is more than a purely physical act.

Modern neuroscience suggests that sexual intimacy is accompanied by the release of hormones such as oxytocin, along with dopamine and other neurochemicals, that help reinforce emotional closeness and attachment between partners. This provides a biological explanation for why sexual intimacy often deepens emotional connection. And since most cohabitation does not end in long-term marriage, this pair bonding to another creates problems both within the individual and with any future partners.

• While no one thinks it can happen to them, there are countless people whose lives have had to adjust, or even irreparably changed by unwanted pregnancies and disease.
• People who choose to cohabit are, on average, more likely to have had more premarital sexual partners and are more likely to have additional cohabiting relationships if earlier ones end.[5] People who begin cohabiting tend to begin sexual relationships at younger ages. They often spend more years dating before marriage.
• Cohabitation itself can become part of a sequence of multiple romantic relationships (“serial cohabitation”) before marriage.[6] A 2019 Pew Research Center survey found that among adults ages 18–44 who had ever cohabited: 38% cohabited with two or more different people.[7]
• More sexual partners are associated with greater risk of substance dependence.[8]

A large prospective birth-cohort study from New Zealand followed participants into adulthood and found: Increasing numbers of sexual partners predicted higher rates of later substance dependence, even after controlling for previous mental health and substance use.

• Casual sexual relationships can have negative emotional consequences for some people.[9]

Why the fire department got called out three times

In my first couple years of life, I somehow figured out how to turn on some tool of my dad’s, and burned our apartment enough to bring the fire department and force a move. Years later, I purposefully started a fire in a place in the woods where containment was not happening. The fire department had to stop that one too before damaging the beautiful woods. I did not learn fear of fire or containment, and it happened again. Fire provides light, heat, and numerous other positive functions, but used improperly or in the wrong place, and the damage can be shocking and complete.

Sex and passion, like fire can provide heat and warmth, and can also harm and destroy if not in the proper place.

God is not some universal killjoy, He designed us to be sexual, but we have to remember the designer knows how best to use the design. There are spiritual, physical, social, and psychological reasons supporting keeping sex in the right place. Sex is a good thing, but needs a place to hold it. Placing sex in other relationships and situations not built to contain this passion destructively burns. Only a covenant relationship can contain this level of intimacy and passion.

Infatuation in Latin literally means false fire, looks like fire but really cannot warm, empower, and cook up what we need in a partner. But infatuation can burn like a fire.

Some people will think the guy who wrote this is just some socially inept geek, who cannot attract women, so he is mad. How dare you … Well, maybe that was true for a time :) But try not to let your emotions overwhelm your good thinking. Your emotions and heart bring great experiences in life, but your proper reasons and head keep you safe and in the best position in life to enjoy those emotions.

What if I am already cohabitating or already involved in premarital sex?

You had your reasons to make those decisions, but the question is: Are your reasons better than the reasons given by the Bible? Or even in this short article or the vast sources of information available on the topic. You need to be honest with yourself in judging the reasons for an against, and the consequences of making the wrong decision – because you will experience the consequences inevitably following a wrong choice.

Additionally, be careful with guilt. I have a deeper discussion on guilt (click here), Guilt is good and helpful, when operating in its proper place, but bad and harmful any other time.

• Guilt keeping us from harmful behavior is the clear, natural boundary for guilt, and anything beyond that limit is a misapplication.

Feeling guilt for your past is not realizing Jesus’ work.

Jesus is the one who should know, and he stated your mistakes are removed from your account. God doesn’t see what you are feeling guilty about when he sees you, he just sees his child and wants you to trust him and focus on the good plans He has for you; looking forward unhindered by unnecessary worries about your past.

• The answer to the self-inflicted chemotherapy of unnecessary guilt is not denial, extra suffering, or make-up work, the answer to guilt is forgiveness.

Recognize God meant what he said about forgiveness, and then, of course, you have to agree with the Creator and forgive yourself. A relationship with God is not for clean people, but people who have been cleansed by Jesus; it is not for good people, it is for forgiven people.

Recognize God’s love for you personally, is not dependent on you, the good or bad you do, it depends on the how God just is. If you feel proper guilt, then the biblical God is near, as you are being encouraged to better things.

Conclusion and encouragement

For the climax of the sex talk, we need to see the bigger picture. First, there is a God who created you, sacrificed for you more than you can imagine, and who designed sex. This life is a small part of the picture where we determine whether we trust this God and develop ourselves for the rest of the picture. Even if you never had sex in this life – not once – this life will be over before you know it, and the creator of sex will assuredly have even greater creations and pleasure in eternity.

Second, I encourage you to be revolutionary, counter-cultural. Woodstock and that generation were known as revolutionary in their views towards “free love” and other life experiences. Today, biblical views towards marriage and the finest love are counter-cultural, revolutionary. Love is not free, this is known scientifically and through common sense. Love given freely brings a cost to the giver and taker. If love is free it is not worth anything or valued.

Remember readers, your sex life I want nothing to do with. I don’t care, except to provide advice that may spare you some hurt or gain you something wonderful. This culture will view such counter-cultural thoughts as silly, and sex is always in our culture reaching out to you.

But try, use your head to protect your heart. If you have made mistakes, do not let guilt go beyond its proper boundary. God forgives and loves you, and time heals as long as you now achieve the even harder task of renewing your mind to keep on the path to the best God has to offer.

Cohabitation and premarital sex versus marriage has been tested and the results are available. The thinking of Woodstock and free love abuses you.

If you really plan to love your spouse – keep her in mind before you know her.

[1] Scott M. Stanley and Galena Rhoades, What’s the Plan? Cohabitation, Engagement, and Divorce (Charlottesville, VA: Institute for Family Studies, April 2023), https://ifstudies.org/ifs-admin/resources/reports/cohabitationreportapr2023-final.pdf

[2] Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Markman HJ. Working with Cohabitation in Relationship Education and Therapy. J Couple Relatsh Ther. 2009 Apr;8(2):95-112. doi: 10.1080/15332690902813794. PMID: 20613887; PMCID: PMC2897720.

[3] Jose, A., Daniel O’Leary, K. and Moyer, A. (2010), Does Premarital Cohabitation Predict Subsequent Marital Stability and Marital Quality? A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72: 105-116. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00686.x

[4] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics, “NSFG—Listing C: Key Statistics from the National Survey of Family Growth,” last reviewed May 7, 2019, accessed July 6, 2026, https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/c.htm

[5] Cohen J, Manning W. The Relationship Context of Premarital Serial Cohabitation. Soc Sci Res. 2010 Sep;39(5):10.1016/j.ssresearch.2010.04.011. doi: 10.1016/j.ssresearch.2010.04.011. PMID: 24381370; PMCID: PMC3874393.

[6] Cohen J, Manning W. The Relationship Context of Premarital Serial Cohabitation. Soc Sci Res. 2010 Sep;39(5):10.1016/j.ssresearch.2010.04.011. doi: 10.1016/j.ssresearch.2010.04.011. PMID: 24381370; PMCID: PMC3874393.

[7] Pew Research Center, Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S., by Juliana Menasce Horowitz, Nikki Graf, and Gretchen Livingston (Washington, DC: Pew Research Center, November 6, 2019), accessed July 8, 2026, https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2019/11/PSDT_11.06.19_marriage_cohabitation_FULL.final_.pdf

[8] Ramrakha S, Paul C, Bell ML, Dickson N, Moffitt TE, Caspi A. The relationship between multiple sex partners and anxiety, depression, and substance dependence disorders: a cohort study. Arch Sex Behav. 2013 Jul;42(5):863-72. doi: 10.1007/s10508-012-0053-1. Epub 2013 Feb 12. PMID: 23400516; PMCID: PMC3752789.

[9] Wesche R, Claxton SE, Waterman EA. Emotional Outcomes of Casual Sexual Relationships and Experiences: A Systematic Review. J Sex Res. 2021 Oct;58(8):1069-1084. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2020.1821163. Epub 2020 Sep 29. PMID: 32991206; PMCID: PMC8579856.