Guilt_How do I Deal with Guilt_How does the Universe Deal with Guilt
Guilty about your past? Me too.
Regularly, patients at our cancer center are undergoing chemotherapy. While my center treats patients using radiation, many times the cancer has advanced beyond a well-defined volume, thereby making concurrent chemotherapy useful, which involves injecting powerful chemicals into the body that preferentially target the fast-growing cancer cells.
While chemotherapy is an excellent weapon against cancer, the chemicals also damage and kill normal cells in the body, resulting in side effects such as, hair loss, nausea, tiredness, anemia, etc. If you fit the diagnosis for chemotherapy, the benefits are well-documented, but injecting chemotherapy beyond useful limits, or if you did not have a medical reason to do so – you are simply poisoning yourself – yet, many of us self-inject a version of chemotherapy.
Guilt is like chemotherapy, releasing powerful psychological emotions and physiological chemicals specifically targeting harmful stuff inside of us. However, if we kept taking in chemotherapy after the cancer was gone, then we are just poisoning ourselves. Feeling guilt beyond what keeps us from further bad choices, is harmful, not helpful.
Guilt is good and helpful, when operating in its proper place, but bad and harmful any other time. To properly handle guilt, first we will cover what is the line where guilt moves from helpful to harmful. Next, we will get a glimpse from God’s view, when looking upon what you may feel guilty about. Finally, we provide the prescription needed for cleansing oneself from unnecessary guilt.
Guilt has Expected and Clear Limits
When we see someone get caught doing something wrong, like the local news showing someone ripping-off the elderly, we expect them to suffer from guilt, just as we do when our consciences get violated by something we did. Doing something wrong, like when I bullied another kid in gym class, our conscious registers injury, and like the pain response our body provides to warn of danger, guilt is a beneficial defense mechanism to keep us from harmful behavior. Guilt keeping us from harmful behavior is the clear, natural boundary for guilt, and anything beyond that limit is a misapplication.
One excuse people give for such extraneous application of guilt is: “I just can’t stop thinking about it.” This is inaccruate. I have serious experience with my mind continually going back to a thought, almost like a tongue having to constantly go back to the hole where a tooth fell out, having grown up with obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD. Upon being diagnosed, the solution for me was to stop the cyclic returning to the recurring thought, and replace it with something better. Just like other obsessive thoughts, your mind is caught in an unnecessary loop, which should be broken for normal, healthy functioning. It’s not as easy as this funny skit implies, but it is well-documented as achievable, and in the best interests of all involved.
Further, what purpose does such guilt serve? If a person already has the wrongful impulse burnt out of them by guilt, it is improper to inject further guilt to wear the mind and body down. Maybe a person feels they deserve more punishment, but feeling that way doesn’t mean poisoning oneself with extra guilt will make yours, or anyone else’s, life better. It only adds more misery to the world, and renders the guilt-ridden less likely to be in a good place to help themselves and others in the future. Further, people have proven to be notoriously faulty in judging and passing sentences on themselves.
Maybe a person feels they caused irreversible damage to themselves or another, or they feel irredeemably bad, and it haunts them. However, not you, myself, or any person is in a proper position to judge. In order to know all the possible ramifications and future the hurt person(s) or yourself face, especially if there is an existence beyond this life, one would have to have absolute knowledge. Only one with the credentials and authority of the biblical God would be in a position to judge, and your feelings, guilt and condemnation of yourself do not have a say in the matter. There are endless examples of the worst possible behavior hurting another, for example, read A Child Called ‘It’ by Dave Pelzer. Even after the horrific suffering he received at the hands of his mom, this child went on to do great things, and even offer forgiveness to his mom. His mom, you, me, and everyone else will make mistakes during the journey through this challenging world, the question is, when we make a bad choice, are we the final judge in what we must suffer, and why would you believe that?
How GOD VIEWS what You are Guilty About
Speaking of proper authority and position to know, any guilt beyond what is necessary to keep you from repeating the bad behavior is not from God. If your child did something against you, a caring parent would hope the guilt would do its singular job of leading the child away from harmful behavior and toward what is best for the child, but would not want to add extra stress or hurt esteem from excess and worthless guilt.
Maybe you had a caring parent, maybe you haven’t been able to observe such a parent, but God demonstrated his care for us and the value placed upon us, both through numerous illustrations, and with historical markers, which leads to validation of hope, even for the guilty.
The “Parable of the Lost Son” illustrates how God actually views our guilt. Guilt can be crushing. When I think of the choices I made, the mistakes, and even things directly harming others, who are equally loved by God, it makes me sick. Most of us would probably run, covering our eyes and ears, if our thoughts or past were displayed in a movie theater. So, I am very thankful for Jesus’ answer.
Most seem to think Jesus’ parable is about the lost son, but the real focus of the story is the father. Luke 15:11-32 provides the account. When the lost son returned, after doing things, which in his culture would result in termination of family bonds, or even worse, the father did not follow the customs of the time, or behave as many of us would expect. Instead, the father waits every day for the child to return, runs to his child, falls onto him in a bear hug, brings him directly back into the family, and celebrates with unbounded joy for the lost one, who came home.
The focus of the story is not the son, but the father, because it is showing how God feels and will respond to us, when we recognize our guilt, our need for God, and come to the father, who does not focus on the bad behavior of the past, but only on the joy of having you home.
Many also fail to realize the focus the story puts on the other son. While certainly having his own wrong doings in life, outwardly the other son followed society’s rules well, and was angry, feeling his brother should receive further punishment and judgement, not celebration. However, the parable is meant to point out when God forgives, the mistakes we make are no longer part of us, we have been justified by Jesus, meaning we are seen as innocent just-as-if-I’d lived righteous as Jesus. If others do see us different, look down on us as guilty, then they are now the ones in a bad place and in need of a turn-around.
In the last thing Jesus was recorded to have said as he died on the cross, the Greek form of the word is “tetelestai,” he confirmed his work to make us right with God was done, the word translates as “It is finished.”[1] Typical to other acts and words Jesus provided, there are layers of meaning as the word is an actuarial term meaning the account is “paid in full.” Jesus did not say “I am finished,” meaning his life is done, he said “it is finished,” meaning the goal set before him from the beginning is completed. Further, grammatically the word is in the perfect tense verb form, which speaks of an action completed in the past (Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross) having results continuing all through the present and future. The debt of our wrong doings, which would naturally keep us from a relationship with a holy God, has been paid and removed from us.
Whether you continue to stare at your wrong doing(s) or not, God does not see them when he sees you, he sees Jesus, if you accept the pardon Jesus offers.
Guilt caused the well-beloved warrior for Israel, David, to miserably admit, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me” (Psalm 51:3), yet the biblical hero, who knew God well, also realized, once guilt leads us to recognize our fault and need for redeeming, God handles those transgressions in the best possible way: he removes them from us “as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12).” And the Bible is redundant in making the point of God not being some angry, unforgiving, behavior monitor, but a loving Father, who does not see our mistakes when seeing us: “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (Hebrews 8:12)
The thing people so often fail to recognize is It is not really about you – it’s about what has been done for you – the cross does what we could not do. When considering what is “good” and “bad”, and where the line is between those who will be brought into heaven or not, most people place someone like Hitler at the far left (bad end), someone like Mother Theresa at the far right (good end), a co-worker they don’t like to the right of Hitler, themselves to the left of Mother Theresa, and the cut-off between heaven and hell somewhere in the middle between themselves and the nasty co-worker (as Frank Turek has illustrated, see image).
The problem with that – God doesn’t grade on a curve – there is a standard. The standard is being “righteous”, without sin (“sin” is anything against the moral law, or holy nature of God), which none of us meet. If heaven allowed someone like me in, then it wouldn’t be what it was meant to be, but would be like it is here, stained by immoral behavior. That is the bad news.
The good news (“Gospel” comes from a Greek word meaning “good news”) is it is not really about us, it is about what has been done for us. The Bible goes against all other belief systems, and what seems to be common thought, and asserts we are incapable of earning an after-life with God, and the good following from that relationship. The only way to restore us, who have not lived up to God’s moral standard, must come from the top-down, from God doing the work for us.
The cross is a historical marker that God’s work for us is already done. As previously noted, Jesus’ last statement was an accounting term from that time stamped over a bill once the debts were “paid in full.” Jesus did not come primarily to teach morality, or help the poor and suffering. Jesus’ specifically claimed purpose was to live to the standard we could not, to pay the debt we could not, and set us right with a holy God, because he could, and would, due to his love for us.
Feeling guilt for your past is not realizing Jesus’ work. Jesus is the one who should know, and he stated your mistakes are removed from your account. God doesn’t see what you are feeling guilty about when he sees you, he just sees his child and wants you to trust him and focus on the good he plans to do with you, looking forward unhindered by unnecessary worries about your past.
Guilt part 3: How to stop the Self-Inflicted Chemotherapy
The answer to guilt is not denial, extra suffering, or make-up work, the answer to guilt is forgiveness.
When you do something wronging someone, there is an inherent message from inside telling us “we owe” someone something. And whatever one may do to try to make up for it, and some things can really help, in the end we still have the feeling we are stained by wrongdoings we are guilty of.
I think the fact we can never take away the things we have done, or should have done, but didn’t, is one of the reasons baptism was instituted, as baptism gives something visual people can grab onto, showing the stain of our wrongdoings being washed away in God’s accounting.
The answer to guilt is not denial, or extra suffering, or doing good to balance the scales, the answer to guilt is forgiveness, which can only be given by the creator responsible for all we may have sinned against. And then, of course, you have to agree with the creator and forgive yourself.
This forgiveness is promised by the only authority capable, and in a position, to forgive and literally remove the stain from us: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 Hard to get much more clear than that.
A relationship with God is not for clean people, but people who have been cleansed by Jesus; it is not for good people, it is for forgiven people. Yet, some will persist in trying to earn their way. Conversely, reading through what Jesus and his disciples had to say will make the matter clear. Paul states that if we were able to simply earn our way, then what Jesus went through was all just a waste (Galatians 2:21). Jesus’ harshest criticism was against the religious leaders who relied on following the law and “spiritual” actions as their way to salvation. He stated they looked clean on the outside, but were tombs on the inside. Harsh.
Maybe you are still feeling guilty because you are, like most of us, repeat offenders. It’s difficult to change, when the motivations in the heart are still there. This is why a relationship with God is needed – not a bunch of good works, “sorry’s” or even prayers – as only a relationship with the highest power can change any negative motivation from the inside.
What if you already have the relationship to overcome your previous motivations, but still struggle? Just like anything else, you have to prioritize your motivations.
If Jesus did for you what was claimed on the cross, if you appreciated the reality of it, such motivation would be more serious than any other motivation this world could bring. If you understood there is an eternal existence with consequences dwarfing any good/bad you experience in this life, then you would recognize the cost/benefit analysis of your choices and would have your motivations in proper priority.
I can offer my personal experience. When confronted in a way I felt was unwarranted, my natural response, since childhood, was to aggressively push the confrontation to higher levels. I really meant to change. But, eventually I’d slip back. Felt great putting someone down, whom I felt needed downing. Yet, eventually my rationalizations couldn’t overcome my recognition it was pathetic I couldn’t forgive and show care for others, after all the complete forgiveness and love God shows me.
Accordingly, I confessed to God my unwarranted behavior, lack of care and grace towards others, whom He also loves, and was motivated by what God does for me more than my motivation to do what I want toward others.
Therefore, I found a way. I used the two-fold-effectiveness of a twice-annoying practice: confession. Confession can provide some relief, but it’s not something I look forward to, so I thought: Why not do it twice. Determining to follow-up confessing to God with confessing to the person I wronged, really helped with catching myself before falling into old habits. It is so HARD to apologize and admit I was wrong, especially to a person I felt was wrong, which is why it stuck so well in the mind and stepped-in quickly to stop me before making the same mistake again. Why waste my time and do something so annoying to me: proper priorities.
In addition, to forgiving yourself, and in my case also forgiving others, another important factor in relieving yourself from unnecessary guilt, is actually realizing the level of God’s love for you.
We can see shadows of this most enlightened love God has observing love of parents. A story of a foster parent brightened up my day so much I still remember it. The foster dad was a huge car enthusiast, and made sure to have his restored and beloved classic car looking perfect for the child’s first ride. They spoke about cars on their way to the ice cream shop, and were enjoying getting to know each other.
All the sudden, the talking stopped, and the child, who was in the back seat, whimpered, then burst into tears. The dad pulled over to discover why his son was inconsolable. When he looked on the seat, where the child’s ice cream had fallen, the boy went on and on how sorry he was and how he wrecked their special day. The father walked back over to his front seat, grabbed his ice cream sundae, then dumped it onto the seat. The child was stunned enough to stop crying, while his dad went on to say the most important thing in his car was his son. An indelible mark, of his dad’s priorities and love, was left on the child’s heart.
Many have a misperception of God’s love for us. This perception of God loving them more depending on what “good” they have done, and loving them less or even disliking them because of “bad” things done is so common. This perception is faulty and very hurtful.
Many of you have children, and it is a safe assumption all of you were, at some point, a child. What would you think of a parent whose loved changed, even turned to dislike or hate, depending on how the child behaved? I would view such a parent as awful, with a pathetic capacity for love. Do you think God is only capable of that kind of love?
Unlike the fault-ridden love we sometimes experience from parents, family, spouses, or friends, God’s love is part of his nature (1 John 4:8), and does not change. This means God’s love for us is truly unconditional, not based upon feelings or emotions, or whether we are lovable. The love for us does not decrease when we act against God, or even increase when we do good things, it is always the same unconditional love.
In fact, if love is the greatest ethic, then self-sacrifice for one you love is probably the greatest possible expression of love. God demonstrated this level of love, and in the greatest possible way as Jesus’ sacrifice for us was done even when we were in the position of rebellion against God (Romans 5:8, John 3:16).
Notice, these passages give no conditions we must meet to have God’s love. We are not told to clean up our lives, then I will love you, or I will suffer the cost to redeem you, but only if you love and continue to follow me. Unlike any man-made belief system, God’s love is given before, and even if we never accept God. Truly unconditional, unchanging, unearned love.
Have you ever been at the mercy of your parent, or someone who truly cared for your well-being, when you had nothing to offer (maybe even when you least deserved it), yet you still got unconditional love and grace (given good things when clearly not earned)? If you have before, then you have an idea of how grace can be given, even when not earned. If you haven’t, then that is a shame, but not entirely surprising in this world, and you have a wonder to look forward to, when experiencing the unmatchable grace of God (some of which will be in life, the best of which comes after this life ends and the new begins).
If you struggle recognizing the level of God’s love, then a message my cousin gave I found very useful, just click on the link here. It is not nepotism providing something my cousin provided, because he moved to Columbus, Ohio, and has spoken against the Michigan Wolverines, so we no longer consider him a relative 🙂
Recognizing God does not see your faults when seeing you, you are entirely forgiven, and you are loved on a God-level can stop the flow of unnecessary guilt. In fact, if you are feeling guilt, then it is evidence God is not far, but still at your door. God is always gently knocking on our door, but some are leaning against the door to keep it closed. Some do this because they do not feel “ready” for God, as though they need to clean up the place before letting God in. Wrong sequence.
The biblical sequence is unique, in that it states we can’t clean the house enough to make it right. Instead, let God in first, and then God does the cleaning and includes us in the work. Most importantly, if you feel warranted guilt, that’s a definite sign God is still knocking on your door as your conscience is letting you know you need redemption (a turn from bad choices against God’s plan). If you went callous and felt no guilt, then that is truly something to worry about as you have become insensitive to the inherent pull toward and need for God, and the likelihood of a turn-around is unlikely.
If recognition of the forgiveness and love you have in God doesn’t stop your guilty feelings, remember feelings are often deceptive. The heart is great to enjoy the pleasures in life, but the head keeps you safe, so let’s appeal to logic. Feeling excessive guilt is irrational for a believer in the biblical God, and always irrational for anyone else.
As noted by prominent atheists in diverse fields of study, if there is no God, then (a) there is no true right or wrong, good or evil, just people’s different subjective opinions, none of which are right or wrong, (b) all our thoughts and actions are entirely determined by the subatomic particles and energy in our brains following natural laws, so we are not “guilty” or responsible for any thought or action, (c) this life is all there is, with nothing after, so whatever adds the most joy, and avoids the most discomfort is the best you can hope for, and (d) there is no final justice for anything we do, or anything happening to us.
If you do not believe in the biblical God, then guilt is irrational, as there is no real right and wrong, you are not responsible for your actions, and unless you get caught, then there will be no consequences coming from an unintelligent, indifferent universe. The only way you would feel guilt is due to what atheist proponents have labeled as weak thinking, because you are letting culture, societal norms, genetics, untrue religions, or other things produce an artificial feeling of guilt, which you should simply dismiss (once you recognize this, you can be the Superman Frederick Nietzsche described). If there is no God, then I agree with all those points above, thankfully the evidence does not support atheism as the best explanation of reality.
If an Eastern religion, like Hinduism, were accurate, then the bad you did is a concern, because you would have to worry about Karma and being reincarnated as a dung beetle, or something equally awful like being a running back for the Detroit Lions (a team notorious for making good players look bad, providing no protection or support). However, my question would be: Why do you believe in Karma, or any doctrine from Hinduism? Aside from the obvious fact of certain bad behaviors leading to bad consequences coming naturally to you over time, there is no evidence to support belief in Hindu ideas, and there is significant reason to think these doctrines are simply man-made and inaccurate. Therefore, no reason to have excessive guilt.
If the Qur’an is correct, then you should have serious guilt and fear for wrongdoings, but again I would have the same questions, have found the same lack of evidential support, and found fatal flaws with Islam as with other belief systems. Actual analysis of the different worldview belief systems is covered in the You Made Your Bet section of the website.
Finally, if you believe in the biblical God, who is the ultimate judge, and who crossed perfect justice and perfect love at the cross, then guilt is only useful to lead you away from harmful behavior and toward your loving Father. Anything beyond that is not from God, and is a harmful, worthless emotion without basis.
Summary
Guilt is good and helpful, when operating in its proper place, but bad and harmful any other time. Guilt keeping us from harmful behavior is the clear, natural boundary for guilt, and anything beyond that limit is a misapplication.
Feeling guilt for your past is not realizing Jesus’ work. Jesus is the one who should know, and he stated your mistakes are removed from your account. God doesn’t see what you are feeling guilty about when he sees you, he just sees his child and wants you to trust him and focus on the good he plans to do with you, looking forward unhindered by unnecessary worries about your past.
The answer to the self-inflicted chemotherapy of unnecessary guilt is not denial, extra suffering, or make-up work, the answer to guilt is forgiveness. Recognize God meant what he said about forgiveness, and then, of course, you have to agree with the creator and forgive yourself. A relationship with God is not for clean people, but people who have been cleansed by Jesus; it is not for good people, it is for forgiven people.
Recognize God’s love for you personally, is not dependent on you, the good or bad you do, it depends on the how God just is. If you feel proper guilt, then the biblical God is near, as you are being encouraged to better things.
Feeling excessive guilt is irrational for a believer in the biblical God, and always irrational for anyone else, unless you fear being reincarnated as a Detroit Lions running back.
[1] John 19:28-30 Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.” A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus’ lips. When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.